Stuff My Mom Says That I Wish She Wouldn’t

I went to Petco with my mom the other day to get some dog food for my poodle. I weaved through the aisles with her behind me when I heard:

“My neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack, heeeeey.” In my mother’s voice.

I spun around.

“Have you heard that song?” She asked.

“Yes. Unfortunately. But why have YOU heard that song?”

“Your aunt’s roommate listens to it.”


“My neck, my back, lick my….”

“MOM! Please! Help me find the food.”



“Hey! Come check out this shirt I bought your uncle!”

I run downstairs to see my mom holding a sweatshirt up. The shirt read, “If you  have to turn your head to read this you owe me a blow-job.”


“It’s hilarious! He’s gonna love it!”

“Who wouldn’t?”


“HEY! Your dog keeps putting his head near my crotch! Tell this damn dog that that area is for my husband only!”

“YEAH! MINE” My step-dad chimed in.



My mom is probably the most unhealthy person I’ve ever met. She lives on coffee, coca cola, and beer (after five or six p.m., naturally), eats only packaged foods and candy, chain smokes and probably hasn’t done any kind of cardio since she was in elementary school.

Yesterday, my husband and I were hanging out at her house when she offered him Cheeze Whiz.

My husband: What is that?

ME: Gross cheese

My husband: No!

My mom: Don’t be such a fucking wuss! It’s just cheese in a can!


My mom: What the hell is so damn funny? It’s just cheese! It comes in different flavors too. It’s good!


Me: Wow. I had no idea that you’re a sort of Kraft connoisseur. They got that sharp chedder. That bacon. That American. Mmmm.

My mom: Assholes. Shut up.

One thought on “Stuff My Mom Says That I Wish She Wouldn’t

  1. Last time I had spray cheese was during my first degree in the dorms. A bunch of us were studying in a someone’s dorm, tossing around snacks & drinks. Someone tossed a can of cheese to someone, but it missed the mark & hit the wall. The can started to hiss & my friend Zach screams, “It’s gonna blow!” We all got out in time, but the room and every textbook in it reeked of that foul crap for the rest of the semester.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s