He Shit The Bed

If our poodle, Oliver, was a human child, he'd be the one with the big bottle glasses, standing in the lunch line listing off his allergies to the exhausted lunch ladies. He's adorable. But, his hair is tangled even though we brush it and take him to the groomer, he kind of smells like pee…

I’d Like to Pay for That Coffee (and never have it)

My Tuesdays are hectic, mainly because they're actually my Mondays. I find myself waking up and wandering around my house aimlessly for the first twenty minutes that I'm mobile. My dog, Oliver, yawns from the couch and watches me pass by one, two, three, four times before he finally realizes that I've lost my goddamn…

My Ovaries Are Too Old, According To My Dad

"You know that when old people have kids, their kids are retarded," my father said while dicing vegetables. My husband shot me an angry glance, my blood boiled, my father chewed on a carrot. "So, when exactly are you having children," he continued while reaching for a cucumber. "DAD!" I groaned and tried to tune…

I Could Outrun A Tiger: Panic And Anxiety

Sometimes, my brain is a real asshole and seems to hate me. I've had anxious episodes a few times in my life. I suffer from low-grade depression, not always, but often. I've had a few panic attacks throughout my life. Lately, it's been bad. About four months ago I went out for drinks with colleagues…

Trying To Conceive: An OBGYN I’d Probably Marry

In my last blog post, Just Stare Into My Vagina and Tell Me It Will Be Okay, I wrote about how scared I am to have a baby. Or, how scared I am to try to have a baby, since I'm not actually pregnant, yet. As of then I couldn't find an OBGYN, with higher ratings than…

Just Stare Into My Vagina And Tell Me It Will Be Okay

My husband and I are in our mid-thirties and approaching that romantic place where we feel like if we're going to have babies we should probably do it. I've held out for a long time. Partially to spite our family because his parents are like, "do you not understand how sex works?" and my dad…