I’m Probably Making A Huge Mistake

I have a lot going on right now. There’s the book, Naked (In Italy), a dog, a baby, writing jobs, and sometimes I have to sort of clean my house. Sort of. So much shit. Literally, with a dog and a baby my life is mostly covered in some form of doody...please help). Trying to…

The Shit Show: Please Send Help

Yesterday I came home from a little trip to a nearby cafe to find my dog, caked in shit. Human shit. Specifically toddler shit from a diaper he’d dragged out of the bathroom trash where my nanny had stuck her two-year-old’s diaper for reasons I have yet to understand and she’s lucky I love her…

You’re a Mom! (And No Longer a Person)

I've tried to make plans with a handful of people in the last few weeks and the conversation always goes something like this: Me: Let's go blank, blank, or blank. Their reply: You'll have a baby next year. First of all, I don't need a reminder that I'm 32 weeks pregnant. Trust me, nobody needs…

Pregnancy, Pervert Dreams, And Sex

If pregnancy makes me anything, it's horny. The first trimester was like being transported back to my teenage body where all I thought about was humping whatever crush I had at the time: Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo and Juliet, that one guy at school with the hair. From about 6 weeks pregnant until…

This is What it’s Like to be Pregnant and Afraid

For the first few hours after I found out that I was pregnant, I was super excited. We'd been trying for months and had just started talking with the doctor about fertility help. After all, I'm no spring chicken and there was all that vodka in my twenties and who knows what I'd managed to…

Dear Baby, Change the World. No Pressure.

I exist with a lot of guilt about the world and I have ever since I slid out of my mamma's lady garden. I had empathy for rocks, I talked with trees, and I obsessed over animals like no other kid, ever. The older I got, the more I read about our environment, pollution, the…