Disney Lies And Your Prince (Princess) Probably Needs Therapy (Because We All Do)

When two people decide to get married or decide to spend their lives together or get knocked up, instead of showering them with booze and lingerie or diapers, we should sit them down, hand them some Gottman workbooks and say, "may the universe be with you." Partnership and parenthood take an enormous amount of effort.…

Pushing Through

I haven't written here as much as I want or as much as I need. You see, writing is how I cope with life and my epically terrible sense of humor is how I make lemonade out of a batch of worm-infested lemons. Er, wait? No, that would be disgusting. Who the fuck wants wormy…

You’re a Mom! (And No Longer a Person)

I've tried to make plans with a handful of people in the last few weeks and the conversation always goes something like this: Me: Let's go blank, blank, or blank. Their reply: You'll have a baby next year. First of all, I don't need a reminder that I'm 32 weeks pregnant. Trust me, nobody needs…

Pregnancy, Pervert Dreams, And Sex

If pregnancy makes me anything, it's horny. The first trimester was like being transported back to my teenage body where all I thought about was humping whatever crush I had at the time: Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo and Juliet, that one guy at school with the hair. From about 6 weeks pregnant until…

This is What it’s Like to be Pregnant and Afraid

For the first few hours after I found out that I was pregnant, I was super excited. We'd been trying for months and had just started talking with the doctor about fertility help. After all, I'm no spring chicken and there was all that vodka in my twenties and who knows what I'd managed to…

Dear Baby, Change the World. No Pressure.

I exist with a lot of guilt about the world and I have ever since I slid out of my mamma's lady garden. I had empathy for rocks, I talked with trees, and I obsessed over animals like no other kid, ever. The older I got, the more I read about our environment, pollution, the…

It’s Just Your Bones Breaking (NBD)

Today I had my 24-week appointment with my OBGYN, or more specifically, the PA that works at the women's clinic. She's a charming and warm woman who somehow remembers everything you ever tell her about yourself and makes every part of pregnancy seem magical without making it seem like candy-coated bullshit. We go to the…