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About Me

Just a woman trying to navigate life in her 30's: An international marriage, a baby, a dickhead dog, a freelance writing career, anxiety, and a love for weird and majestic animals. I occasionally write about my childhood (my immaculate conception, my dad's unibrow, my mom's camel-toe 80's jeans) as memories are roused to life by my weekly therapy appointments. I have no idea what I'm doing.

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My son turns one in one month. I cried thinking about it. My dog puked on my foot. And I started a new painting series this morning, titled, “Auld Lang Syne.” Today I’m lonely.

I grew up with a single mom in a family that excelled in trauma cycles. There was a lot of poverty. A lot of trauma. We were even homeless for a short time although I was too young to remember it. Self-care is not something you learn when you’re in survival mode and it’s taken me a long time (and a lot of therapy) to not only learn how to take care of my brain but to prioritize it. And I’ve had to learn how to make it work it after having a baby because, well, he’s a baby and he doesn’t give a shit if I need “me” time. But holy hell is it important and life changing. I’m not irritable like I used to be and I’m much happier in general. I’m also a lot more mentally stable (way less anxiety and depression). It’s important to remember to take time out of your busy af day to take care of yourself. Even if that means a two min solo dance party in your undies, a nice cooked meal (if you’re one of those people who enjoy cooking...I’m not), walking meditation, three messy sentences scribbled in a journal about your tv crush and your baby eating crap, or really good self-talk. Whatever self-care looks like to you, make time for it. And share your booze with me. #selfcare #momlife #momsofinstagram #mentalhealth

“What’s it REALLY like being a mom?” One of my dearest friends asked me yesterday and I struggled to give a decent answer. Mostly because it’s so many things for so many different reasons. It’s really hard. It’s often very easy. It’s fun. It’s lonely. It’s fills a void and creates one at the same time. I’ve never felt so many emotions, so many conflicting emotions, about anything else in my life. My son is everything I could ever want in a tiny human being and more. I love every moment with him. I also need so many breaks from him so that I don’t burn out or get depressed because he takes so much constant care and energy. I spend many hours of my day preventing his imminent death and it’s exhausting. But I also spend hours every day smiling at him because he’s social and funny and has a face of a goddamn angel. But with a tiny demon trapped inside that comes out when I tell him “no” and he flails around on the floor kicking and screaming. There are also other layers that add to the complexity of motherhood. Like my ever changing mental state (I struggle with anxiety and depression), and my husband’s job. He travels a lot. He works late most nights. We never see him. And our family situation: We don’t have grandparents who are available to help in any way. I didn’t sign up to be a 24/7 solo caretaker and that weighs on me because I’m fiercely ambitious (more so even after having my son). I wake up every day ready to win life but often I’m only able to do a fraction of what I want and I’ve had to learn to be ok with that for right now. So what’s it like being a mom? It’s being a supporting character in your own life but somehow being happy about it because you’re so in-love (this doesn’t mean im ok with not pursuing what fulfills me. I will always do that and have managed so far one way or another). It’s hard. It’s fun. It’s scary (so scary). It’s joyful. And complicated. It’s complicated. #momlife #momsofinstagram

Welcome to the glory, kid.

Shopping, shopping, shopping. This holiday season, if you can, support your local economy, your community, small businesses and big dreams. Support your friends. Share their stuff and tag them. Every dollar casts a vote on the kind of world you want to live in where we give more money to big corporations and outsource our livelihoods, or more money for you, your fam, your schools, your aunt Beth and her knitting obsession, and your community. So like no pressure. Hard truth: It's not always doable to shop small and local for everything. I'm not perfect and I also shop at big stores if I can't find what I need in the community. And sometimes shopping local is costly and we can't always afford the luxury of local quality goods. And the last goddamn thing we need is more guilt and shame in our lives. BUT! We can do our best!!! I’ll be posting all of the best small business, vintage, handmade and local (SLC) spots and deals all weekend. So follow along and use the credit card your partner doesn’t monitor. Cha-Ching mother fucker. Ps this is my “waiting at a light resting bitch driving face.” Just try not to fall in love. #smallbusinesssaturday #smallbusiness #shoplocal #shoplocalslc #holidays2019

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. Today many of you are spending the day with your families and can look forward to creating new and weird memories together. There will be that one uncle with the giant Weiner bulge in his absurdly tight wranglers who won't stop rambling about immigrants, the mom who pretends to go "potty" but is actually chain-smoking in the bathroom even though her grandkids are in the house and everyone can smell it, and the foreign husband who is like "this holiday is stupid, why are we eating all of this today again? To celebrate that Natives taught you how to survive so you could, in turn, eradicate them from the continent? What?" At least, this is a snapshot of what my day will look like today if it stops snowing and we're able to leave the house. Many of you will be spending today with friends, the family you've chosen, and lucky you. And some of you might not be able to spend it with anyone or celebrate at all because maybe you're going through a really hard time, or you live abroad and haven't found your people yet, or you're traveling for work, and my heart is with you. And some of you might not be celebrating today because, well, it's not your holiday or you're native and you're like, OH COME ON, ASSHATS. I get it. Wherever you are, whoever you are, whatever you're doing, take a moment to tell the people you love, that you love them. Even if you've been fighting because they have the emotional intelligence of a rock (look at me projecting again!). Send a text, an email, or pick up your phone and say something kind to the humans in your life. Check-in with your family on their mental health. Ask them how they're really doing and normalize that conversation (it's not the 1950's, grandma, nobody is going to institutionalize you for being sad–real thing that used to happen, and happened in my family). And maybe make a list of things you're grateful for because sometimes it's hard to see the good when we're stressed and busy and aunt Gretchen won't stop saying racist shit at the table. If you're feeling extra fancy, take a moment to educate yourself about native issues. (Check my stories). #thanksgiving2019

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Dante

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.

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