My dad hasn’t always been a family man. But, in his old age, he’s come to like the idea of being around his kids more than ever. If I don’t call him for a while, he’ll get offended and pretend like he doesn’t know me when he answers the phone. “Oh, I’m sorry, do I know you gehl? You don’t sound familiar.” If he calls and I don’t answer, he leaves a message. My answering machine is completely full of voicemails from my dad, almost all of them asking if I’ve been eaten by a shark.

My Voicemail: Hello, this is ME. I’m sorry to have missed your call. Please leave a message and I’ll get back with you as soon as possible. Unless I’ve been eaten by sharks.

My Dad-Message 1: Oh no baby! You’ve must have been eaten by deeeeh shaaaaarks (strong Persian accent). Call me back baby. Love you baby. Love daddy.

My Dad-Message 2: Baby, wanted to see if you wanted to go for deh coffee but you must have been eaten by sharks. Call me baby. Love you.

My Dad-Message 3: Oh, those damn sharks! They got you again baby! Wanted to see if you want to go for coffee. Call me baby. Love you.

My Dad-Message 4: Hey baby! Again, must have missed you because of the shaaaaarks. Oh, I hate dose sharks! They are always eating you! Call me baby. Love you.

My Dad-Message 5: Baby, you must have been eaten by the sharks once again! Well, call me if you can baby. Love you.

My Dad-Message 6: HAAAAAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO YOOOOOU BAAAABY. Oh, happy father’s day! I loooooove you! Must have been eaten by those shaaarks. Call me, love you! Note: My dad doesn’t really understand how father’s day works

My Dad-Message 7: Where is my daughter at? Well, I guess she was eaten by sharks. Love you baby.

My Dad-Message 8: Hey, baby, call me back. You want to come over for dinner? Or did you get eaten by sharks? Love you baby. Call me.

My Dad-Message 9: Oh, no baby. Looks like you were eaten by deh sharks again. Love you Tiger. Call me. Love you.

My Dad-Message 10: I’m in the neighborhood with your brother and wanted to see if you want to go have a coffee together. But obviously, you were eaten by sharks. Love you baby. Call me.