My Dog Hates Me

I really like my dog, Oliver, a lot. In a sort of stalkerish, I watch him while he sleeps, sort of way. The love is not mutual, though. In fact, I’m preeeetty sure he hates me.


I used to tell myself that he’s just bored with me. I’ve worked at home for most of his life so he thinks of me as a sort of lamp or chair that occasionally takes him for a walk. Francesco, my husband, on the other hand, is about the coolest thing in the entire world because he’s never home. However, I’ve recently started working at the office and it’s become pretty damn clear that Oliver just thinks I’m an idiot. For example, in this instagram video. Notice how I’m trying to be his bestie, and he’s just giving me some nasty side-eye like I’m his racist cousin at a family reunion that he didn’t even want to go to in the first place.

We don’t have kids yet, but I’m pretty sure that this is basically what it’s like to have a teenager. And now I need to call my mom and tell her I love her. Also, I probably need to adopt a baby goat or a capybara because they’d probably be all about me and we could climb on shit and swim and ALL WOULD BE GLORIOUS.

Francesco said, “no.” Probably because he’d be jealous.

What about you guys? Do you have pets? Do they like you? What’s that like?

3 thoughts on “My Dog Hates Me

  1. I thought all dogs were psychotically excited to see their people when they get home (or walk into a room). Oliver seems rather “meh”.

    I can’t believe Francesco is still holding out on the capybara . Has he met you?

    I’ve always had cats, who are generally purported to also not give a rat’s ass that you breathe the same air, but they’ve always been fairly affectionate and/or tolerant of my ministrations of love.

    Kids are no guarantee on the reciprocated-love thing, either – they may hate you, then you’ve stretched out your lady cave for naught (as well as gave up wine for 9 mos.) – is it really worth those sacrifices?

    Get a goldfish – guaranteed to surface every 24 hours because food.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s