Buckle up, it’s about to get gross.
Yesterday I noticed that Leo was acting a little more defiant than usual, being a little more fussy than usual, and he had more dirty diapers than usual. But “usual” with a toddler is a stretch so I just shrugged it off to possibly too much fruit or maybe teething, or a developmental leap, or some other growing up thing that kids do that I haven’t read about yet.
And that was my mistake.
I put him in the tub and was telling him all about the fun book we were going to read when he was done when his face slightly twitched and the tub filled with baby shit. Liquid, baby shit. Mixed with some kind substance from the depths of hell.
I screamed. And then I grabbed him out of the tub as quickly as possible and set him on the toilet to clean him up with the bidet hose while he cried and screamed “my booty” and I was like dude, people on Mars feel bad for your booty. What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened. I wrapped a towel around him and texted my husband to cancel a meeting and get upstairs immediately because our kids ass just broke and I needed help.
F came upstairs and I handed him the baby and quickly tried to fill him in. He stared at me and said “why are you wearing shoes in the house?” And he’s now buried in the yard. Rest In Peace. Okay no but I did glare at him and then scream whisper “what the hell do you mean why am I wearing shoes inside? The bathtub is full of human bog waste and you’re worried about my fucking shoes?!” And then it seemed to register on his face for a second that maybe other things were more important for a second.
I pulled my shirt up over half of my face, pulled gloves on, and went to work.
It was horrifying. But I survived. And now I feel powerful in the way that only someone can feel after fighting a horrible battle and winning.
Our little has been tired today but otherwise seems like he’s getting better. We are pretty sure it was something he ate. And I’m mostly fine. All has gone back to normal except I’m more prepared. Just watching, and waiting, steady as steel, for the next big, gross, horrible thing.
m.e. evans 
Dude – you have the patience of Job!! Between this and your post (yesterday? Wednesday? The days blur.), I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that choosing to NOT have kids was the right road for me. I am NOT a patient person by any stretch of the imagination, thrive on structure and a degree of cleanliness, privacy, quietude, KEEPING what money I have, etc., etc., etc.
My hat is off to you for (mostly) keeping it all together. And I would’ve totally lost my shit if my husband had mentioned my shoes as well…WTAF?! Lol!
Hang in there, Misty…love and hugs from NYC.
Hahaha Wynne, you crack me up. I’m not going to lie, there was a moment where I was like, I’m going to strangle him, foe the shoe comment. 😂 Honestly I’m not a patient person either, I hate noise, and all of the things you listed. It has been a huge adjustment for sure lol
Jesus
First time commenting. Read your book, recently keeping track of your blog too. I love your writing. It’s basically part of my mental preparation for what potentially lies ahead of me whilst trying to conceive with my Italian husband. Always good to be prepared. Anyway, this cracked me up. All the gold stars to your son for his excellent comment on diarrhea and hats off to you for battling the bog!
Hi Lila! Happy to have you here! Thank you, glad it made you laugh. Congratulations on taking the big leap to become a parent. That’s really exciting! Prepare for all the doodie, all over, all the time. And all the fun, despite the doody. 🙂