Today I had my 24-week appointment with my OBGYN, or more specifically, the PA that works at the women’s clinic. She’s a charming and warm woman who somehow remembers everything you ever tell her about yourself and makes every part of pregnancy seem magical without making it seem like candy-coated bullshit. We go to the doctor a lot. I didn’t know this before I got knocked up, but when you’re pregnant, you go to your OBGYN every few weeks. On some visits you have the ultrasound, on others, they check your weight and the baby’s heartbeat, and on others, they draw what feels like ten gallons of blood and run a bazillion tests on you.
This afternoon we listened to the heartbeat, which sounded a lot like a war drum which means that the kid is definitely mine. The baby’s heartbeat was pounding, BA-BUM, BA-BUM, BA-BUM, and our PA laughed, “Your baby’s heart is really strong!” And then we heard a “THUMP” that startled the PA a little, “The baby just kicked me, hard!” We’ve noticed that my little womb hitchhiker doesn’t like any pressure on my belly and kicks like crazy if F and I push on my belly. It’s pretty funny. As I write this the baby is kicking my laptop. Also, the kicking feels very, very weird. It’s cool because awe, our baby, but also strange because there’s a living thing in my guts just flailing around like a drunk making a snow angel.
After we listened to the heartbeat we had the standard Q&A session.
Me: Why does my pubic area hurt all the time?
PA: Oh, there are two bones right there that are pulling apart to get ready for childbirth.
Just. My crotch bones. PULLING. APART.
Me: And the pain here? Under my stomach?
PA: Nothing to worry about, just your ligaments stretching.
Me: Uh-Huh. And, uhm, the swelling?
PA: Very normal for your feet and legs to swell a lot during pregnancy.
Basically, no big deal, just my entire body is shattering and falling apart or swelling up and I now have marshmallows for ankles and toes and it’s all totally normal. Ew!
But it doesn’t feel normal. Why didn’t anyone tell me that all of this was a thing? I blame all of these humans on Pinterest going on about the magic of pregnancy. You. Liars.