Pregnancy, Pervert Dreams, And Sex

If pregnancy makes me anything, it’s horny. The first trimester was like being transported back to my teenage body where all I thought about was humping whatever crush I had at the time: Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo and Juliet, that one guy at school with the hair. From about 6 weeks pregnant until now I’ve had so many sex dreams it’s frankly impressive. Who knew I still had that kind of imagination?

Sometimes the dreams are awesome, like that time I dreamed about having sex with one of my current t.v. crushes. Other times the dreams are fucked up, like when I had a dream that I was kissing my own in-utero baby (WTF!?), or doing it with someone I’d NEVER HAVE REAL LIFE SEX WITH EVER. Also? I’ve even orgasmed in my sleep and let me tell you, that’s a fucked-up way to startle yourself awake. My grandma disagrees, though. In one of the last conversations I had with her before she died, I said, “How have you been, grandma?” And she said, “I had an orgasm in my sleep last week. How do I get that to happen more often?” And then I quickly refilled her hot toddy and changed the subject.

In my second trimester the dreams calmed down a little bit but they’re still there. In the past three months, I’ve humped my husband, a few t.v. stars, a few people I didn’t know and even a girl without a head? In real life, I’ve had an increased sex drive sometimes but frankly, I’ve had much less real-life sex. Why? It’s kind of hard to have sex when you don’t feel sexy. And friends, it’s fucking awkward. My husband doesn’t seem to be even remotely distracted by my giant belly but I am. I can’t really roll around without grunting like a piglet and looking like a turtle on its back and it’s just sad to have sex with someone who looks like a wounded animal. If my husband is on top he basically has to be in a plank position to not squish the baby and it just reminds me of being at the gym and I can’t really take it seriously although it’s kind of nice because he’s getting solid abs out of it. If I’m on top, my belly still rubs on his and we both start laughing because it’s ridiculous. Also, there’s the whole thing where the BABY MOVES DURING SEXY TIME and then I’m like OMG STOP WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE!

It’s a whole thing, guys.

Also, while we’re talking about sex and pregnancy, let’s discuss this text message from my mother. Has anyone ever fainted from sex? Is that like a thing that happens that I’ve never heard of?

Sigh.