911: The Emergency is I’ve Been Peed On

How are all of you doing out there? Stressed? Your best? Your worst? Really into crafting right now? Protesting? Reading. Eating your feelings? Avoiding social media? Glued to social media? I’m in a weird place, trying my best to navigate this 2020 life with a kiddo. I’d like to say that I’m nailing it but honestly I’m five seconds away from being medicated again and my eye is twitching. That’s not a joke. It sounds like a joke but my eye legitimately twitches when I get stressed out. It’s one of my many adorable quirks.

My son is in full blown toddler mode and what that means for our family is this: We are now living with a tiny person who wants things they cannot yet communicate and are therefore filled with rage almost every second of the day. He’s also the most expressive toddler I’ve ever met and let me tell you, if looks could kill! Also, this little person is meth-level active and tenacious (very hard during a pandemic) and curious and very into water. By “water” I also mean pee.

I took his diaper off for two seconds today and he grunted so hard I worried he might pop a vessel in order to make himself pee before I could put the new diaper on. He did. Then immediately started to splash in it because WHAT FUN to make your own swimming pool on the hardwood. Yesterday after his bath, I was sitting on his bed getting ready to put him in PJ’s when he grabbed me from behind and gave me a big bear hug. Then he giggled and my back was suddenly hot and wet as my cuddly little gremlin soaked my back in wee.

He has called 911 eight times this week. He is somehow able to grab my phone and hit the emergency button in less than five seconds. When the siren goes off on my iPhone to tell me that he’s hit the emergency button he throws it across the room and cries. So I have to grab the phone and stop the emergency call while simultaneously comforting him. I’ve never been so good at multi-tasking.

He’s really into biting right now. Mostly when I’m doing something and he wants my attention immediately. Fave place to bite? The back of my thigh. Why? It gets an immediate reaction. All of the baby articles and books are like, “don’t react,” but it’s kind of hard to maintain a game face with your three foot tall velociraptor is gnawing into your fleshy saddlebag. What stoic rockstar can do that?

Sigh.

On the wonderful upside, he’s talking nonstop and is so social and so smart and aside from the Covid-19 challenges and normal toddler challenges, we have all of the fun together. And I’m reading this really interesting book called NurtureShock. It’s kind of like the Freakonomics of parenting. It’s fun to see all of the things I’m doing that’s not the best thing HA! (Not that I’m aiming for perfection over here, but I like to try and do the best that I can because he’s a whole human who will interact with the whole world). Seriously though, it’s a pretty interesting book.

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