What Is Stalking, Though?

Quick question, is it technically stalking if you have no actual interest in someone? Asking for me, honestly, because yesterday I went for a nice walk and then somehow ended up knowing all of the things about some guy I’ve never seen or met and don’t really want to because from what the internet tells me (which is everything) he’s kind of dull.

Confusing? Yes. Also for me. 

I’ll try to explain. There’s a house in my neighborhood that I’m obsessed with because it’s my dream home. It’s not huge or fancy but it’s comfortable and cozy and exactly what I’d always pictured myself owning when I was in college and fantasizing about myself as a famous writer holed up in a sunroom overlooking the garage and surrounded by aspen trees. This was before I became jaded and was forced to accept that I might just be an “okay” writer, holed up in my cubby-hole size room, cyber stalking strangers. Anyway, I walk past the house with my son a few times per week, often when I’m feeling sad or uninspired, and I stare at it longingly and imagine myself in a rocking chair with an Irish Coffee (in my fantasy I can day drink and also write drunk, two things I cannot do in real life), an Afghan draped over my legs, tapping away at my vintage typewriter (my grammar is not good enough for something as permanent and unforgiving as a typewriter but this is a fantasy so it’s fine). I always check for a For Sale sign just in case.

After returning from my walk yesterday I was like, hmm, I wonder when the last time that house sold? So I did a quick real estate google. I clicked on a few links. A few more. A few more. And next thing you know I’m on some site that runs background checks on current home-owners and it’s pulling up information on the person who lives there including their name and last five physical addresses and I’m totally engrossed in the life of this person I’ve never even seen while simultaneously like horrified by what’s happening and desperately trying to back out of the rabbit hole that is this man’s life. 

By the way, he seems nice, a bit boring but nice. And as a big bonus, he’s not on the sex offender list, if you were wondering. 

But now I’ve totally screwed myself because I know way too much about this person to ever casually say hi if they’re ever outside (they’re not) which means I can never ask them about buying their house or subtly suggest I be first on their list if they ever sell the house. Which is okay, I guess, because I like where I am fine enough and I love our neighbors.

Also, I am totally creeped out now. The witchbox knows too much. And by witchbox I mean the internet but now I’m committed to also using that to describe my vagina from now on.

*Obvious but still: This is a humor post, friends, and I use hyperbole for fun. Stalking, like real stalking, is bad and wrong and don’t do it.

4 thoughts on “What Is Stalking, Though?

  1. Ha! Sounds like there might be a screenplay premise hidden in there somewhere. Modern-day Rear Window?

    (Also P.S. It’s *really* hard to comment on your posts. Like… it takes me around 3-4 tries of logging in to various wordpress sights and I can’t quite figure out what eventually does the trick.)

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