Do you ever just have one of those weeks where you’re about to lose your shit in a monumental fucking way? Like, two more things go wrong and you might change your name and steal a Big Rig and drive across the country delivering tires and kiss your old life goodbye?
That might be wildly specific to me but guys, this week, GODDAMN.
It all started when I was taking a bath with my toddler the other day and we were playing with bubbles and out of nowhere my toddler looks over and was like, “Your hair is gross.” And then goes, “Wash your boobs.” First of all, tot, you literally tried to lick the dogs butt today so I’d be careful about calling people gross. Glass house, kid, glass house. But he’s a baby so I just kind of chuckled and then self-consciously washed my hair and boobs, AGAIN.
Then, yesterday, our upstairs toilet inexplicably EXPLODED and flooded our entire upstairs bathroom in DOODY WATER which poured into our downstairs bathroom through a light fixture. Leo rushed in to play in it and I had to rush in after him in my brand new slippers like the hero that I never wanted to be and feel the horrible feeling of my fuzzy pillow heaven shoes filled with sewage. I put Leo in the tub and then tried to fix the toilet. Have you ever tried to plunge an exploding toilet while your toddler stands in shit water next to you (because husband is working and toddler won’t stay in tub where you put him) yelling “YAY! MOM! MOP! EW! POOP! MOP POOP! YAY!” It’s a joy, really.
I posted a video of water raining out of our light fixture and everyone on instagram was like OMFG WHAT ARE YOU DOING CUT THE POWER? And I was like, wait, what, that’s a thing to do? And they were like YOU IDIOT YES HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE CUT THE POWER! And I was like STOP YELLING AT ME I’LL DO IT. But then I forgot. I’ll do it now, actually.
I thought I plunged it into submission and was like yay it’s fixed! And then IT HAPPENED AGAIN LAST NIGHT. So instead of celebrating the Solstice/Yalda like we planned, we mopped and I had to re-shower with Leo who again tried to swim in the bog water. Because even very judgy toddlers who run around calling people gross want to play in actual shit.
We were lucky enough to get a plumber out this morning and the problem? Seems like someone, I’m not naming any names, flushed a toy down the toilet and it blocked our sewer line. And we need to rip out our tile and drywall and redo it before it molds. Did I mention that we redid this bathroom four years ago and it’s all new?
On the upside, did yall see the planets converge last night? It was beautiful. And we’re all still in good health, which feels like a big win this year (or any year).
But is it 2021 yet?